Online Dating
How do you meet someone nice? Your soulmate - if such a thing exists … You have come out of a long relationship. You are bruised. Your confidence is rock bottom. You aren’t even sure you want to try dating again. You might think after all, it didn’t go so well last time. It is all very well to be robustly encouraged by well-meaning (happily coupled-up) friends, to go out and meet people - join a running club/gym/study again/a cookery class/acrobatics/run a marathon etc. Or, really unrealistic, if you haven’t discovered your artistic talents so far – go on a painting holiday with like-minded people, bask in the sun, eat and drink somewhere like Tuscany … Which is a bit like saying take piano lessons intensively for a week and then you will be able to perform at the Albert Hall.
All well meant, but if you are feeling the lowest you’ve ever felt, and getting through the day is almost too much of a challenge, you just don’t have the energy or the will to look for romance/sex. A friend told me that I should get married again. I asked if he had anyone in mind. Did he have any nice single friends? Nice friends yes, he said, but no nice and single friends. Helpful.
My wise (female) friend I’ve mentioned before, said just talk to people online. You don’t even have to meet them for a coffee if you don’t want to. Chat, see who is chatting back. That was good advice and I chatted to some strangers, who have remained strangers, about their cats, children, scuba-diving hobby, house renovations, sci-fi, allergies, dogs, a malfunctioning oven and exes, all of whom seem to have been labelled narcissists. I did go on a few dates which, in retrospect, were better than your average comedy script. My favourite fiasco was a lunch in an almost empty Italian restaurant. It was quite crowded for a date. The gorgeous Italian waiter spent most of the meal talking to us, at one stage informing us he was “off to the toilet” information I don’t recall any waiter ever sharing with me before. The self-styled single man looking for a long-term relationship was repeatedly phoned by his wife and daughter …. the young carer and her charge at the next table (the only other table occupied) drew up their chairs and joined us. NB tell the truth in your dating profile – him not me that is. I was truthful. I didn’t even use a 20 year old photo of myself.
Possibly not the outcome I had hoped for, but funny. I got out of my house and my grey mood, I made an effort and afterwards found it v amusing. A friend who was also looking for something, and I would meet for a debrief involving supper and red wine. We laughed so much. It was absolutely worth the weird mismatches.
So how do you meet the sort of person you’d like, on dating websites? A summary of all the advice I’ve been given, read and worked out for myself is as follows.
Be totally honest. Don’t lie about ANYTHING. Don’t use that great photo from that party 15 years ago. Men, don’t lie about your height. Women, don’t lie about your weight. Don’t wear dark glasses You don’t look sophisticated you just look like you are hiding something or hungover. Don’t put unicorns or pink fluffy embellishments on your photo. Men keep your clothes on . One overweight man who was probably pushing 60 photographed himself in bed, naked to the waist. It wasn’t a good look. I wonder if the second stage of his romance offensive is to send dick picks …. Men don’t take a selfie in the bathroom. Loos or urinals aren’t romantic props.
DO say what you like and what is a no-no for you. Don’t be dull. Interesting fact about yourself: don’t say I don’t like bananas. Boring, no one is interested.
DO say what you like to spend time and money on. If you like eating say if you like cooking or eating out. Do you like everything from fish and chips to Michelin star restaurants or would you rather mostly cook at home and eat at a fantastic restaurant very occasionally? Are you mildly interested in sport or a football fanatic and couldn’t miss a match? One woman explicitly stated she wanted someone who read a lot. She found a man who did and married him. She wanted to read great literature together and discuss it. He pored over computer stuff - programming and sequencing.
Faye Losotaluno, the relatively new boss of Tinder, 2023, advises using five really good photos of you - alone - and showing your full face. “Pictures with puppies actually do really well”. My caveat would be, don’t use photos of deceased pets or pets that your ex has kept. Not ideal for that first date conversation. She also said that photos are quite informative. What have you chosen to show? Where are you? What do your clothes say about you? Get an honest friend to help you write your profile - or at least check it for you. It might help if red wine – or similar - is involved. Good luck! Alternatively contact me and get help reassessing your values and needs. It will save you time and heartache.