What terms did you part on? What is your relationship with your ex like?

What terms did you part on?  What is your relationship with your ex like?

Pre-nups – optimism or pessimism?  Good sense or depressingly unromantic?

Is there such a thing as an amicable split/divorce? They are a little like unicorns. We have all heard of them but who knows someone who has actually had an amicable divorce?

I met a seasoned divorce unicorn once – two amicable divorces before 40 and counting … Let’s call her Bella.  Bella’s first pre-nup was activated when the young couple agreed they still liked each other a great deal, but were growing apart.  There was no point staying together until they grew out of liking, they reasoned. That ended well and Bella is godmother to her first ex-husband’s first child, with his second wife.  Keep up, keep up  ….

Bella’s second pre-nup also facilitated a civilised divorce despite the added responsibility of a child with husband number two. I wondered if this might be a useful blueprint for all of us.  Maybe pre-nups should become standard pre-wedding planning.

Bella’s daughter is under ten, so hands-on, joint parenting is required for the foreseeable future.  The child is not shunted from Mummy’s flat to Daddy’s house, she stays in what was the marital home.  The parents take it in turns to stay in the very familiar space and the daughter’s routine is not disrupted.  The exes even holiday together with their child. The pre-nup included rules about new partners.  The ex has to meet the new partner before the child, and only after six months of serious (monogamous) dating. 

Would you holiday with your ex?  What emotions do they arouse in you?  If your experience was more abrasive than Bella’s, how do you feel?  I am often surprised by the vitriol of people who are long-divorced.  If you are reading this, is there unresolved pain or emotion in your life?

One of my close friends said to me at the beginning of my “shituation” (as one of my godsons dubbed it) “You can talk about it now if you want, but it quickly becomes old news and no-one wants to hear.”  Brutal advice, but true. 

However, if you work with a break-up and divorce coach you can say whatever you want – to them.  You can say vile things, in confidence.  Your friends and family won’t be burdened, and you won’t be judged.  It is a safe space to express your hurt and often anger.  It is incredibly empowering to face your fears.  Read  “Feel the fear and do it anyway” by Susan Jeffers.

You can emerge stronger from your “shituation”, stronger, and wiser than before.  Adversity teaches us valuable lessons.   With coaching support, you can transform your life, find strength and redefine your values and goals.  You can be happier than you were before.  You don’t have to do it alone.  Let me help you, book a discovery call today.